I’ve been training for nearly 40 years at this point, and have never tired of it. I love getting on the deck and learning/practicing/refining ways to ruin the day of some miscreant who intends harm on me, mine, or some bystander I can protect.
Most martial artists (and most people reading this blog) feel the same way, but in recent years I’ve come to understand that we might be putting our efforts in the wrong places.
When it comes to self-defense, it’s better to avoid a fight entirely. To never use a single one of our devious, fiendish, and comically violent techniques off the mat. This isn’t a new idea to any of us, and yet honestly think about how much time you spend practicing violence as compared to what some people are now calling “soft skills”.
Learning soft skills, practicing them under pressure, and deploying them when they’re necessary can save our lives more surely than any punch, kick, joint lock, or weapon technique.
If you ask 100 different experts which soft skills we need, you’ll get 100 different answers…200 if you come back a month later and ask them again. I recently put together a book with stories from over 40 such experts, and their answers fell into five categories I’d love to share with you.
Preparation
Preventing violence starts long before we get anywhere near a situation. Part of it happens in the dojo. By honing our skills, staying in shape, becoming somebody the world doesn’t perceive as prey, we become less likely to be victims of violence. But that’s just the beginning. Some other skills we could chose to learn and practice include:
- Using contacts and the internet to research places we’re likely to visit
- Staying informed about major events and trends that might impact our safety
- Assembling emergency kits, and practicing with every item in them
- Learning the rules and customs of all the groups in your area
- Setting up code words and emergency systems with our families and others we spend time with
One story from the book tells how a bouncer found himself and his staff between a chapter of Hell’s Angels and a local college rugby team, and how his preparation for that moment stopped all violence from breaking out.
Awareness
When we see violence, or any other danger, happening, it can be pretty easy to avoid the trouble before it truly starts. The legendary Rory Miller reminds us that bad things happen when stupid people do stupid things in stupid places. That’s where awareness begins: ask yourself:
- Am I in a stupid/dangerous/risky place?
- Are the people around me acting in a stupid/dangerous/risky manner?
- Are stupid/dangerous/risky things happening around me?
If you ask yourself those questions, along with how you might get to a smarter/safer/less hazardous position, you’re performing the kind of situational awareness a lot of gurus like to mystify. The hard part isn’t understanding. It’s building a habit after you know what to do.
One story from the book tells how a nationally known tough guy noticed the bar he visited while traveling for business had the wrong vibe, and what he did about it to stay safe.
Avoidance
Sometimes it’s not enough to stay aware and make smart decisions. Sometimes you have to intentionally steer around a situation as it’s brewing. The Cooper Color Codes call this “Condition Orange”, when you see a situation that might develop in time to find an alternative.
When you see potential violence, you have a lot of options that don’t include engaging, such as:
- Turning your back so a social predator doesn’t have somebody to perform off of
- Leaving the area via the nearest exit
- Moving into a group of people, whether or not you know them
- Getting help from local security, staff, or bystanders
- Changing the route you’re walking on
This feels like common sense, but are often hard to think of when the adrenaline starts to sing after you realize trouble is imminent. It’s good to practice that sort of thinking even when nothing’s happening, the way we practice techniques when we’re safe on the mat.
One story from the book tells how the chief of security for a band called off an entire concert because of the crowd, a move that meant literally “riding shotgun” as the bus roared out of town.
De-Escalation
Of all the skills on the list, this one gets the most attention in our schools. I think it’s because here’s where some of the funniest stories come out. It’s a form of confrontation, but one we make avoid turning violent using a variety of techniques:
- Making the other person laugh, to defuse the situation
- Pretending to be confused, or needing help
- De-framing their expectations of what happens next (“What you looking at?” — “Your shirt! That’s a great shirt!”)
- Connecting as a human being with this other human being
- Intimidation or establishing yourself as a harder target than they at first thought
One story from the book tells about how a self defense instructor got told by a guy in a bar “You’re gonna need more friends!”, and proceeded to make friends with that guy.
Escape
When all else fails, it’s time to run. We don’t like thinking about it, but avoiding violence through rapid flight is almost always a safer plan than getting into an actual tussle. But escape less simple than we make it sound you have to consider:
- How to break contact with a distraction
- What route will lead you to safety
- How to run while being chased
- What to do about slower people if you’re in a group
- How fast and far you can reasonably run
On story in the book suggests how to use a five-dollar bill as a modern day ninja smoke bomb that lets you escape from most situations.
Like the title of this blog suggests, all the things we practice about what to do when the first punch gets thrown is just the tip of the skill iceberg. We should spend more time thinking about, learning about, and practicing the skills that go in those other five stages.
Shameless plug: that book I mentioned earlier is on Kickstarter through March 17. Here’s a link to preorder a copy if you’re as excited about it as I am.
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We are encouraged to use de-escalation in the work place, even in the case of a belligerent or oafish coworker. In our dojang, we were taught a few non-lethal techniques which hurt, but do no permanent harm to the aggressor. The aim being to deflect, de-escalate and get away.
Yes! Very much needed message.