Hindsight is 20/20 – we have all heard this, and I would imagine we all agree that it is true. When I look back at different situations in my life, I can see where, had I been more aware, or had learned to trust my instincts, I could have avoided danger much more easily.
Though it is a tempting thought at times, I truly would not go back and change anything at all. The experiences I have had have made me who I am today, and each of them contributed to the lessons I hope to pass on to my own children, and also, my students in the dojo.
When I was learning how to ski in the northern part of Russia, my instructor took me to the slopes before I had ever actually skied, and stood with me at the base of a busy slope.
“See? You can learn two ways, through your eyes, or your muscles. If you watch carefully and observe others’ mistakes, you save yourself from having to make them. You’ll make your own, but they’ll be different, and not as many, if you watch and learn from others.”
I didn’t know, that day as he pointed out who was holding their poles wrong, and who was going to destroy their hips by fighting the slope, that I would be able to apply his advice to martial arts training.
I have learned many things through trial and error – it is my sincere hope that by sharing them, my students, my children, and even you, the reader, might learn from my experiences.
When I think of days I wish I could change, I think back often to a hot summer day when I was 15. I had been picking raspberries since I was 9, but this particular summer, I was hired by a farmer about a quarter mile down the country road I grew up on.
That day the farmer who hired me, a kind Hispanic man who didn’t speak English, and myself worked on a machine, picking raspberries.
My boss’ grandson came out to the field that morning. He was a few years older than me, and a lot taller and bigger. He didn’t join us to work – in fact he always found it amusing to interfere with the work we were trying to do.
Typically, he would show up, annoy everyone, then retreat inside to play video games. I figured that day, like so many others, he would tire of messing with us and go away.
But – he didn’t. I lost count of how many times he grabbed me, pulled on my shirt, flipped my hat off my head, and ‘bumped into’ me. The machine was made for two workers to stand at the conveyor, and he would climb up and nearly knock me off, then laugh when I struggled not to tumble into the bushes.
Annoying, even angering. My non-English speaking coworker ignored him, and, for the most part, was ignored. But I’d hung out with this kid before. Truth be told, he had no friends, and over the previous year I figured I’d try to help him. By this time, though, I’d realized it was best to step back and keep my distance – something just seemed off, though I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
Lunch break was a nightmare – he grabbed my food and tossed it to his dog, who, through no fault of his own, swallowed it down before anyone could do anything. An angry yelling match ensued between grandfather and grandson, and finally, he took off for the house. His grandpa apologized, handed me a soda, and said he’d buy me dinner.
The grandson returned less than an hour later. As I saw him approaching, the thought crossed my mind that I should go home. But I had a job I’d been hired for – I really didn’t feel like I could ditch just because my boss’ grandson was annoying.
He didn’t annoy me when he returned – actually he scared me. This time he stood right behind me, just staring at me unnervingly.
By the time we called it quits at dinnertime, I was exhausted – not from work – but from the stress of this guy being someone I couldn’t seem to escape.
Hindsight really is 20/20 – even as I write this, the warning signs were there all day, and I want to scream at my 15-year old self to get out of there, no matter the cost.
But – I didn’t. My boss left to deliver the berries we’d picked. He’d said his wife would have a check for me, and to head to the house to pick it up. That was the last place I wanted to go – after the day being harassed by his grandson, I just wanted to get out of there.
I knocked on the door, and wasn’t at all surprised when the grandson was the one who answered. He came outside and told me his grandfather had my check, so I’d have to wait for him to return. It didn’t make sense, so I walked past to speak with his grandmother.
Realizing she wasn’t home, I paused. I really don’t know why that check was so important to collect – every time I think back, I remember a voice inside screaming, “you can pick that stupid check up any day, just get out of here”.
But – I stood there waiting. The grandson stayed outside with me. He kept telling me there was something he wanted to show me behind the barn, but I was already sick of his company, and just wanted to get my check and get out of there. I stood in the driveway as he called incessantly for me to follow him.
I told him no several times. I told him to leave me alone. And then, I did something very stupid. In the moment, I was just trying to make my point.
I turned my back to him.
I had taken karate lessons for over 2 years at that point, and we’d practiced chokes and escapes.
Nothing in the dojo prepared me for the intense pain and sudden loss of hearing that accompanied the loss of breath when I was lifted off the ground in a rear naked choke.
I had no idea how quickly the world could go black. I remember elbowing him as hard as I could. I remember kicking his knees and shins.
He laughed.
My hands went up to grab his arm, and I realized as the world went black, I had mere seconds to escape, if I was going to.
I arched back as far as I could, then lunged forward with everything in me. I still think it shouldn’t have worked, but it did. My feet hit the ground, I curled into a ball, and he went flying over me, landing flat on his back in the gravel near my feet.
It knocked the wind out of him, and I stood there, bent over, trying to catch my breath and get the world to stop spinning.
He sat up and looked at me.
“If I hadn’t let go, would you have died?”
I realized my voice wasn’t working, so I nodded.
“Cool!”
He lunged for me again, scrambling to get up on his feet.
This was the first moment I was truly scared of him, and I kicked gravel towards him, then took off running. I considered leaving my bike and just running as fast and as far as I could, but I realized I could get a lot further on it.
He screamed at me, chased me down their driveway, and finally gave up when I got to the road.
That day, he planned to rape me.
He had told people about his plan, he had even written about it. He spent the entire day waiting for his grandfather to leave, knowing his grandmother would be gone.
I had no idea.
I really had absolutely no idea how close I came to my life being changed much more drastically than it was.
I escaped with bruises on my neck and a sore throat that lasted a couple of days.
I had loving parents who told my boss I was done working for him, and sat with me when the police came to take a report of what had happened. It was the cop who sat in my living room with me that informed me of the ‘rumor’ this guy had been spreading around all over the neighborhood. Apparently he’d boasted to quite a few different people that he had a plan for me, and he knew how to make it happen. He had also assaulted several different neighbor kids.
Sometimes, I still can’t believe that’s all that happened that day. I also can’t believe how stupid I was.
It’s been a lifetime since that day, and I still have to stop myself from panicking when we work on rear chokes in the dojo.
But – we work on them. And we work, from the very first ranks, on situational awareness. That wasn’t a part of the curriculum in the martial arts school I grew up in, nor does it have to be in every school. For me, self defense is more important than any other aspect of training. Every other aspect has beautiful, wonderful advantages, and I truly love them all. That’s why we train as diversely as possible in our school.
But I think back to that day as a 15-year old, and I want my students to be the person who puts a stop to things first thing, when personal boundaries are crossed. I want my students to be the ones who can assess a situation and know where those boundaries are.
I can’t create a bulletproof program that guarantees safety for all who go through it. I would be foolish to try. I can, however, take the lessons I have learned, and help my students, and as many others as possible, avoid the mistakes I’ve made.
With this in mind we train – verbal self defense, and drilling into our students’ heads that the best defense is to run away – if you feel like something is off, get out of there.
It’s saved at least 2 of our students from different threats, which means it’s all worth it.
What have I learned from that day picking raspberries? What advice do I give to my students based on that experience?
- Know your own boundaries, physically and emotionally. I was still learning how much is too much – for me, it was because those boundaries were inherently respected and expected in my home. If you do not have clearly defined boundaries, you will have a hard time knowing when they have been crossed. In different situations with different people, your level of comfort may be different, and that is okay. If the shoving or hat-stealing had come from a close friend that day, it would not have been at all threatening. However, those types of behaviors should never be tolerated from someone who is trying to intimidate you.
- Have the courage to defend those boundaries. This takes practice, and an understanding of your personal value and worth. Some of us have a difficult time expressing how we are feeling about a situation, and this is where having clearly set boundaries can help. In my experience, both personally and with students, you need to practice protecting your boundaries. Practice speaking firmly. Look at yourself in the mirror and practice saying ‘no.’ If you have a safe context where you can practice scenarios with a trusted person or group, I would strongly recommend doing so. The woman I am today would have instantly turned first thing that morning, looked that guy in the eye, and said “Do not touch me again, I do not appreciate that and will not tolerate it.” Had I done that, the situation may have looked different.
- If something feels wrong, don’t ignore it. Our instincts serve a very important purpose. I am not talking about being paranoid, I’m talking about trusting that when something feels off, it may be. That does not mean we should panic, or overreact. It does mean, however, that we should respond with heightened alertness about the environment or situation. There have been moments when something just felt wrong. Calmly assessing the situation, and removing myself if possible, has not cost me anything but a few moments’ inconvenience. When I lived overseas, there were several times I walked into the grocery store and couldn’t explain for the life of me why I felt like turning around and walking back out again. But, I did. I left, and came back hours later. Once, the clerk told me earlier in the day they’d had a massive confrontation with a drunk man. Take that as you will – for me, it was confirmation that, by slightly inconveniencing myself, I’d potentially missed out on being part of a difficult situation.
In conclusion, I would like to say that I am eternally grateful that day ended as it did. I am thankful I was practicing throws and chokes in my karate classes – though never to the degree I experienced that day – I reacted with what I’d been training in, and it helped. In hindsight, I realize it never should have gotten as far as it did. In hindsight, I know that there are so many things we can do to keep things from becoming physical.
I’m thankful for the lessons I learned that day, and I continue to work to help others never let things get that far.
- Setting Personal Boundaries – A Valuable Self Defense Skill - December 14, 2021
- The Value of Verbal De-escalation Skills - October 19, 2021
- 3 Ways to Ruin Your Child’s Martial Arts Training (Or, Please Don’t Be *That* Parent) - September 14, 2021
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