The Hubs and I were making small talk at the local pub with some other regulars a few nights ago, and inevitably, the topic of martial arts (and self-defense) came up. After some of the basic martial arts “small talk” – and the couple assuming that only the Hubs did martial arts and I was just some pretty sideshow #WhyINeedFeminism – the older woman makes this uncomfortable but not unpredictable comment to me:
“So, you must be really good at defending yourself.”
And after fielding some awkward responses that fit the climate of the room, she came out with this equally uncomfortable question:
“So, if I were to take some classes, how long do you think it’d take before I could successfully defend myself?”
The topic of self-defense comes up frequently for me as a martial artist. Particularly, I believe it comes up more frequently because I’m a female martial artist. Setting aside all the backhanded comments of:
“kicking ass”
or
“no one messes with you”
or
“oh… that’s nice…”
usually, the conversation turns to something along the lines of:
“I should get my *insert female friend or relation here* involved, you know, learn how to defend herself.”
And while I could write a book on the inherent sexism of that statement, and the underlying perversion of a sick society in which we must teach our women to defend themselves rather than teaching our men not to assault women, that’s not the point of this article. It’s neither here nor there.
The issue is, after I get the ever-predictable statement of “getting female friend or relation involved in a combat sport,” I usually get tasked with trying to awkwardly field questions about my ability to defend myself.
The TL;DR version: Yes, I can. Please do not make me.
For the lovely readers that are interested in hearing more; yes, I can defend myself. I’d really rather not. It’s not something I enjoy doing, or something I take pleasure in being able to do. I participate in a combat sport – my ability to defend myself is a happy by-product. I don’t enjoy the idea of ‘kicking ass’, and frankly, being a black belt does not qualify me to be a master of badassery.
Martial Arts ≠ Ass Kicking
and to think otherwise is to completely miss the point of martial arts.
Again, I could write a whole separate article on the way martial arts is good for you besides self-defense. Once again, that’s not the point of this article.
My POINT, here – and I believe I speak for all female martial artists – is that we do not enjoy fielding awkward self-defense questions and comments. We don’t want to answer if we can defend ourselves – it’s lose-lose for us. If we say anything like “no, not really…” then we have to deal with the sexist thoughts. ‘Oh, ya, girls can’t defend themselves anyway’ or “well, why do you do it then?” As if the only reason we do martial arts is for the ability to defend ourselves… and then, of course, we could go on about all the other reasons we do it, but really, people who are outside the martial arts just don’t understand. And most of them don’t care anyway.
If we say anything like “yes…” well, then we have to deal with the potential that we’ll be grabbed at or asked to demonstrate. The masses demand we “prove ourselves”.
It happened to me: quick detour for story time. I was a blue belt, 18 years old, and my stepfather’s girlfriend (it’s not weird, he and my mother divorced), had some of her friends at the house. One of those friends happened to be a very large man. I mean LARGE, over six feet, 300 pounds. A presence.
Anyway, my stepfather was so proud of me and my martial arts, and he and this man were having some adult beverages and my stepfather was talking me up. Talking about how much more confident I was, how he could tell I was stronger, in better shape, how nice it was that I was learning to defend myself, how much easier he slept at night while I was in college…
And this man, this HUGE man, asked me if I knew how to defend myself.
I was young; young in age, young in life, young in rank, and I said, “yes, sorta.”
And what did he do? This behemoth of a drunk man grabbed my thin little wrist and said, “Oh yeah? What would you do now?”
And for about 5 seconds, I had a panic attack.
That night, I slept with my bedroom door locked, and a chair propped under the doorknob. Even though I knew that this man was sleeping in the in-law apartment on the other side of the property. Even though I knew my stepfather would never let anything happen to me. But… this man freaked me out. He outweighed me by double at least and had that swagger of arrogance that – despite the fact that I did get out of the wrist hold – told me deep down that he knew I couldn’t really defend myself from him. And I didn’t trust the alcohol coursing through his veins.
Even now, as an older martial artist and over a decade separates me from this incident and several ranks and even several black belt ranks, I still don’t want to be asked if I can defend myself. Even though I know now that I’m much more prepared to handle a situation than I was as a blue belt, I still don’t want to have to explain myself. To prove myself.
Because in reality, every self-defense situation is unique. If there are 1000 ways to defend yourself, being a martial artist only prepares you for 100 ways. So compared to the average person that doesn’t have martial arts, I am more prepared, sure. But nothing is fool-proof.
So yes, I can defend myself. No, I can’t say I’m “really good at it” or anything. I know some. I can learn more. And it’s an entirely different animal to be defending myself in a “safe space” like the studio, or in my basement taekwondo space with my Hubs, than it is to be going against someone I don’t know, in a situation that has too many unknown variables.
In that same vein, as an instructor of a traditional martial art, it’s even more uncomfortable – and slightly irritating – to have to field questions about how many classes YOU would have to take to defend yourself successfully.
Short answer: too many if you’re asking me that. Self-defense is not a weekend-warrior course.
One of my young female martial artists – a young black belt – just took a real-life self-defense seminar. She was given a scenario, and another male black belt wore the Spartan Suit and attacked her. And she had to really defend herself. When I asked her about it, she said it was the “scariest thing she’d ever done” because it was like she “didn’t know anything anymore, and didn’t know what to do.”
She is a black belt. She’s been actively training for 7 years. 7 years and her adrenaline levels peaked so hard in even a pseudo-real life scenario that she blanked out on most of those 7 years of training.
So, to all those people who ask me if I can defend myself, who comment to me that they should “take a self-defense class and learn something”. To those who think that they should get their female friend/relation involved. Here’s what I say to you:
Think carefully before you throw out some lazy comment about “picking it up sometime”. Self-defense is not something you pick up on a Saturday afternoon on campus in between study sessions. You wouldn’t say the same thing to an individual in uniform – “Oh, I’ve considered taking a military class, really learn how to shoot a gun.” You wouldn’t say it to a science major – “oh, I’ve considered taking an anatomy class, you know, so I can learn how to operate on my own organs.” You wouldn’t say it to a business major – “Oh, I’ve thought about taking a business class, I wanna open my own shop sometime.”
Martial Arts is a lifetime pursuit – don’t throw words at me like it’s just a silly hobby I’ve taken up.
Do instead: Take that self-defense class. Take more than one. Take two, take five, take a whole year. If you want to do it, then just do it. Learn how to throw a fist or a foot so you don’t injure yourself. Learn what parts of the body to hit to maximize pain but minimize damage. Do the work to make your muscles strong enough to throw those kicks and punches to make an impact. Learn how to avoid stressful situations, learn about the steps that all women (and some men) take to map out their movement through public spaces to avoid potential situations. About how we hold our keys between our knuckles, how we avoid eye contact, how we only traverse the lighted streets, how we use the buddy system. Learn about how to avoid most of the dangerous situations so we don’t have to defend ourselves.
Lastly, don’t rationalize it to me how you’ve been “meaning to take a class or two to learn how to defend yourself”.
I’ve been taking one for over ten years and I don’t think I’ll ever feel confident enough to put myself in a situation worth defending.
As always; peace, love, kamsahamnida.
Jesachi
- Spousal Separation in the Martial Arts - December 13, 2017
- Developing an Independent Mind in Martial Arts - November 1, 2017
- Self-Defense Monologue of a Female Martial Artist - September 5, 2017
Loved this and can so relate. My personal favorite awkward statement when someone finds out I’m a martial arts instructor: “Show me a move.”
I get the same thing (after 16yr in the arts and black belts in 2 disciplines). I say, “Okay, here’s my fastest move.” I stand perfectly still, then I say, “Want to see it again?”