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To truly thrive, we must face all facets of our lives. We can’t simply focus on the positives. We must also confront the pain and sorrow that we all will inevitably encounter.
A month ago, I lost my father, a man that many of you may have known personally or knew of. He was larger than life, known for his loud voice and passion for learning in every sense and for his students. Now, there is a silence where his personality would typically fill the space by simply being present. Would you even have known that he was an introvert, that every day he let love guide him and chose his faith over his fear of people and letting others down with every step he took on the dojang floor?
This article is not about him, though.
This article is not about the past or memories that will live on, be shared, and become part of his legacy.
This article is about how the martial arts community is something special, unique, and compelling during all stages of human existence.
Martial arts are often advertised as a beautiful and beneficial way to strengthen the mind, body, and spirit through training and community. Athletes come together for the greater good and celebrate victories. Martial arts schools are portrayed as safe spaces where gender, race, beliefs, and all humans are valued, respected, taught, and appreciated. But what happens when pain and sorrow arise, creating a defining moment that cannot be undone?
Where does the world of martial arts fit in then?
After informing our family, the first person I reached out to was a long-time senior staff member who has been connected to the school since its inception. They then informed the rest of the staff and made arrangements for classes to be covered. I was advised to stay with my mother and take care of whatever needed to be done, and I was reassured that there was no need to rush or worry. Our family’s mission and vision took on a life of its own, just as we had intended.
Martial arts is a great community, much like the rabbit in ‘The Rabbit Listened’ by Cori Doerrfeld. It is essential to acknowledge that not everyone has gone through the experience of losing someone. Even for those who have, it’s crucial to understand that the journey of grief is a personal one. While others may be able to empathize, each person’s path to healing is unique.
Martial arts can be viewed as an activity or a lifestyle, and it provides a safe space for people to heal, recover, and find peace. Grief is a challenging season of life that many people go through, and although some may not have the words to explain it, they have found solace in their training community. This community provides a place for rebirth and comfort after such life-altering setbacks. Martial arts are unique because everyone comes from different lived experiences, and each person is already contributing to each other’s lives. When it comes to loss, if you’re fortunate enough to be part of this community, it gives you the same glimmers of hope that are already nourishing your life, just in a new capacity.
Martial arts provided me with a space to address my needs and work through various challenges. Recently, I had the opportunity to train and compete for the Virtual World Championships. While preparing for the event, I faced emotional setbacks due to the passing of friends the day before or during filming. However, like when my grandfather passed away when I was in college, the idea of not training never crossed my mind. The practice of martial arts allowed me to express my emotions in a controlled, therapeutic, and safe way, whether it was through teaching or competing.
This time, where there is such a hole that we are grieving collectively, knowing this is something that cannot be fixed. We’re showing up for each other like that rabbit in the previously mentioned story. Instructors stand by the side to indicate their presence, assist where they usually would not in case of any incidents or show support for one another in unexpected intuitive ways. Sharing the responsibility ensures that everything that was done before continues to thrive, and none of us feel alone. The spirit of the facility’s culture works together to maintain a safe and supportive environment for everyone on and off the training mat. The process of grieving is not brief and doesn’t follow a clear path. Still, within the secure and supportive environment of the martial arts community, they understand when you must be with your family and accept you as one of their own when you need them. They value your presence but also recognize when it’s appropriate for you to take a break and sit with your thoughts.
That is martial arts.
It’s important to acknowledge and address the pain and sorrow in addition to celebrating the good and victories. It’s inspiring to see how everyone was able to come together and support each other through the challenges, even before anyone voiced their needs. The training remains purposeful, and everyone works hard towards their goals. It’s heartening to see such a strong sense of teamwork and dedication. The way the culture of martial arts has done that with grace and gentleness is something that I know I will be forever grateful for.
Tang Soo.
In Blessed Memory:
Paul G. McCoy III, MBA, PhD (ABD)
3/23/57 – 10/31/23
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