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When I was a child, I had dreams and ideas, just like everyone else. I imagined who I would marry and hoped for a future with someone special. This individual had to be involved in the martial arts, for that was where my life was. Otherwise, they would not understand the characteristics that defined me. They wouldn’t understand my schedule, my stubborn streak, and my perception of weakness. I wanted someone who understood this, who would help organize events and push me in my training. This was how I saw my spouse fitting into my life.
FITTING. INTO. MY. LIFE.
I am aware that I am not the only one who has had these thoughts. Some of you reading this may still be experiencing similar thoughts. These thoughts may be essential for your life and for how you measure success and find fulfillment, and that’s completely okay. However, these thoughts do not align with my journey. I want to convey that once you identify the ‘why’ of your existence, you can address the questions you didn’t even know you had, and a sense of hope that you may have forgotten could resurface from the depths of your soul, where it had long lain among your dreams. It is in that time of growth that your expectations may be met and, in other cases, blown away.
As I grew up and life took me on various paths, there was an attitude issue, a lack of knowledge, and a necessary behavior. These components needed to be discussed and experienced. The expectation had to be different. The individual that I was going to spend my life with had to have a different level of integrity surrounding them. In this space, in this understanding, unspoken dreams became a need rather than a want.
As a martial artist holding the roles of instructor, student, and competitor, I often find that the many hats I wear overlap. This unique perspective shapes the way I see the world, opportunities, and experiences. One of the most significant things I’ve learned from my spouse is his perspective on the world and the world in which I spend the majority of my time. It is through this perspective that I have come to see the importance of creating a safe space and how to detach emotions from any situation I find myself in that requires me to think and act with authority rather than simply an empathic person.
My father always wanted the karate school to be the “third place” for our students and their families, coming from the idea that the home is our ‘first place’ and our workplace is our ‘second place.’ Therefore, the other places we might go to socialize or unwind become ‘third places.’ I embraced that and have found great comfort in the karate school being more than my workplace during the plot twists of my life.
“All human beings have three lives: public, private, and secret.”
-Gabriel Garcia Marquez
However, I have often struggled with turning it off and balancing the home-work-life balance, for all I saw was the interconnectedness of my three places. Various times, and as recently as this week, I have been told I am doing too much. From filling my plate to days defined by the word “hustle” to needing to know how to ask for help, my perspective on home has been redefined by my relationship with my spouse. Home is now a safe space where I can not only breathe but also be held accountable to breathe and be. Living up to the words I often speak to others is all that matters, being fully present in the moment.
Sometimes, it feels as if there are constantly preconceived notions shattering, and these moments show me that living a life guided by love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true. There aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are. I can breathe, be me, and love the sport I do for the sport it is and how it makes me feel, not because of how others perceive me doing it. I have to be aware of the eyes watching but not let them define me. My spouse’s eyes on me and my training brought me back to the core of the matter: willpower and self-discipline. Our relationship has me constantly checking myself in ways that once might have been instinctual but have been rebooted as a result of him being an “outsider” and forcing me to step out of the world as often as I am in it. I am more than a martial artist, and there is definitely peace when someone reminds you of that in an empowering way.
Perception and awareness are crucial,
and we often have unchecked biases without even realizing it.
Marrying someone who is not a martial artist works for me in a way that can only be described as coming home. He is a safe harbor where I can discuss the inner workings of martial arts and get an unbiased response. I get a perspective from a legit outsider that brings new light and understanding that one does not see when dead center in the middle of the experience. I am on an adventure and am exploring the world with a blend of perspectives compared to the experience of an overlapping world.
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