Martial artists carry themselves with self-respect, honor, and grace. They temper their emotions and never fall prey to the temptation of envy…Or we could just cut the bull and stop romanticizing the myth of the martial artist with the unflappable humble heart. Jealousy is a natural human emotion, and it happens to everyone, even martial artists.
Let’s talk about it.
The most recent time I felt jealous of another martial artist was in my own home. My partner, a high-ranking Taekwondo black belt, and I were working out with some pads and a stand-up kicking bag. I noticed how strong he was and how efficiently and precisely he moved. Instead of feeling admiration or just focusing on my own training, I felt repulsed at my own supposed lack of strength and efficiency. For a few moments, I quietly pouted about how awful my kicks were and how dumpy and slow I thought I looked. Maybe I should just quit!
Then I realized how silly it was comparing myself to someone who’s younger, fitter, hasn’t suffered a major injury, and has been training most of his life. (And the man cooks for me, so how could I be mad at him?) Shaking myself out of that feeling was easy because there were enough differences between us that comparing (or competing) was out of the question.
It would also be silly comparing myself to someone more equal to my fitness and skill level, but that’s when the ugly worm of jealousy can burrow further into my brain. Other than my fleeting moment of resentment toward my partner, I haven’t experienced the sting of jealousy much in my martial arts career. I have, however, felt bitterly jealous among writers and authors I know. After publishing my first book, it seemed like everywhere I turned, someone was making impressive sales or hosting a well-attended book signing event or even publishing a second book. Meanwhile, I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn’t get anyone to give my memoir a second glance. At the depth of my Great Depression of 2021 I felt so disgusted with my own jealousy I cut off most of the authors I know on social media.
Jealousy can feel like the other person is taking something from us, even when we’ve never met them before. Singer Olivia Rodrigo aptly recognizes in her song “Jealousy Jealousy” that “their win is not my loss” and “their beauty’s not my lack” when thinking about the people she envies, but she still can’t help getting caught up in the emotion. And if listening to Olivia Rodrigo diminishes my street cred as a martial artist, so be it. The woman’s a genius.
I don’t regret removing the supposedly picture-perfect lives of the writers I envied from my purview. Social media can be a fun way to connect and communicate with people, but it can also act as an old-fashioned black magic glamor, making us believe we are lacking in every area of our lives while everyone else seems to be getting it right.
Ignoring those we envy is one tactic to soften our jealous tendencies. But what if we can’t ignore them? What if the people we envy are at our same martial arts school or worse, our frequent training partners?
How does this apply when the green-eyed monster strikes us on the mat?
Besides Rodrigo’s lyrics, I thought about maxims I’d heard at work:
“Don’t be frustrated. Be fascinated.”
“Don’t be furious. Be curious.”
Jealousy is an excellent learning tool. Very often, jealousy has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with our own insecurities. Recognizing when we are falling prey to insecurity is a step in the right direction to heightened self-awareness and humility.
Jealousy can also shine a light on something that interests us such as a skill we want to master. Instead of being angry that you can’t do it, turn the jealousy into curiosity and figure out how you can do it. Someone always gets the best of you in sparring or grappling? Good! Once you get over the ego sting of being bested, now you can figure out where you’re letting your defense down or missing an opportunity to use a certain technique. You can’t perform a certain move at the athletic level of someone else? Good! Now you know where you need to focus your training. You might also need a dose of reality to first, recognize what your body is physically (and safely) capable and not capable of doing, and second, accept it.
I’ll share one more quote: “An angry mind is a narrow mind.”
This was counsel from Michael Jai White to a young fighter in the movie Never Back Down 2. Jealousy can blind us to our own capabilities, poison our relationships, and negatively affect our performance. Martial artists are great at adapting and using what’s available to them, so use jealousy as a tool to point you in the direction of learning and self-acceptance. And you never know, you may make a great friend and training partner out of someone who used to make you green with envy.
Melanie has worked in the healthcare industry since 2004 and lives in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex.
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Sadly, I am jealous of my younger sister. She has always been the better athlete. I am ashamed of this feeling, cause I have always believed in equality, but the fact that she is younger and that she could beat me since the very beginning, when I was already grown up, it was really a trauma. Cannot deny it. Thanks for the article, Melanie, it was brilliant 🙂
Thank you for you kind comment. I’m sorry for pain you felt; jealousy of a loved one has a special kind of burn. It helps me to either find something entirely different to focus on or shifting my energy to things I like to do.
Thank you Melanie for your empathy <3
In every sport or martial art the better athlete wins, so I feel really ashamed for this immature feeling, but what can we do? We must accept our weaknesses. Thanks for allowing this rant 🙂
Valak, your comment honors you. You should not be ashamed of your feelings, if expressed with such humanity and honesty. Forgive yourself for that! Boys are raised with such ideas in their mind, so your reaction is totally understable. But, believe me, boys lose to girls more often than you’d think 🙂 and…guess what? My older brother was into judo as well, and he could never defeat me, despite his trying. It is no big deal…It happens all the time!
And congrats for your blog, Melanie. I saved it in the favorites ?
Thank you for your comment and kind words to Valak. We martial artists look tough on the outside, but we have complex emotions too, and it helps to talk about it. Together we’re stronger.