The Nunchucka-pocalypse Is Nigh!
Welcome back Martial Journal readers! We have some unsettling news reports coming in from all over New York in the last few weeks. Apparently, in the aftermath of a federal court ruling the ban on nunchucks in New York unconstitutional, nunchuck-fueled carnage has ensued. These reports are truly unsettling. Thankfully, our very own Martial Journal Senior Nunchuck Investigator, Chuck Numley, has been embedded on the front lines of the warzone to bring us this news. Unfortunately, due to the dangerous situation on the gound, we have only been able to receive written reports from him. Reader discretion is advised.
The Bronx, 3/6/19:
CHUCK NUMLEY: I had been hearing reports of some nunchuck-related injuries from my contacts at Montefiore and NYC Health+ hospitals. I was also getting information from my informants in the police department. Already knowing about the history of nunchucks, I knew that the situation was serious. I can tell you that my police scanner has been a virtually constant stream of reports of nunchuck-related sightings and violence. I knew I had to get to the bottom of this and find the source of the violence, but the scanner went dead.
Yesterday, I had to take a risky nighttime expedition to get more batteries for the scanner. With nothing but my wits and a trashcan lid for protection, I went out. Carefully checking around corners before moving, I was able to make it to the corner store unharmed. The clerk at the store looked at me oddly, clearly not understanding the danger he was in. I told him he needed to find protection. He asked me if I wanted “Magnum” or “Ribbed”. I wasn’t sure why he asked me that. Sensing that he may not have understood me, I informed him that the protection was not for me, but for him. He angrily told me to pay for the batteries and leave immediately. I think he must have sensed impending nunchuck danger and wanted to close down the shop quickly. Though he never shut down or turned off his lights, thankfully nunchuck-wielding hooligans must have been busy somewhere else this night.
Using the leads I got from my hospital and police contacts, I was able to track them back to the source. I couldn’t believe my eyes looking at “Nunchucks “R” Us”. Apparently, some greedy ass was ready to make a killing(pun intended) from the legalization of such a dangerous weapon. As I stealthily made my way inside, I had to hold back my nausea from overtaking me. It was total carnage. The smell was stifling. Everywhere I looked, all I saw were the injured and the dead. Head trauma, groin damage, busted knuckles everywhere! What monster, or monsters, could have done this?
It looked like a Kung-Fu cosplay gone horribly wrong. There was a “Jim Kelly” lookalike, dead from a direct blow to the front of the skull. “Bruce Lee” was moaning in pain nearby from apparent groin damage. He also had a red, diagonal welt on his face where the free end of a nunchuck had struck with brutality. I tried to help, but he was already too far gone. Another person with a fake wig of long, silver hair had sustained severe, repeated trauma to his mid-section and was bleeding internally. From his mouth, with a fake long and silver Fu-Manchu mustache, he said to me “Why didn’t they tell me?”. That was the last thing he said before succumbing to his injuries.
No one made it out alive. By the time the paramedics arrived, it was already too late. Thankfully they were able to administer aid to me when they got there. I was injured in the process of trying to help those still clinging to life. While attempting to help a man dressed in all black with only his eyes visible(I almost didn’t see him), I attempted to safely move his nunchucks away. However, I was unable to do so. I was immediately injured once I had grasped them. I had watched Youtube videos on how to properly hold the “safe side” of the nunchucks to avoid injury. However, I must have grabbed the wrong side as they immediately started to twirl and I, against my will, began to make high pitched animal noises. It was over quickly, painfully. I was one of the lucky ones the paramedics told me. While I had groin damage and a broken rib, they said that nunchucks must not have gotten up to full speed before they injured me.
By sheer luck, I am able to write this report to inform those outside of the warzone what is happening here. Do not, under any circumstances, touch nunchucks! They are just too dangerous. What was the federal judge thinking?
As I lay here, healing slowly, I keep rolling over all of the still unanswered questions in my keen investigative mind. I keep thinking about the “Shaolin Master’s” final pleading question. Why didn’t “Who” tell him? Was it a single person? Hard to believe, but I did see the real Bruce Lee take out a whole island of fighters in a documentary about entering dragons, or something like that. Were the victims all lured in there under false pretenses, only to be slaughtered them like fish in a barrel by a band of nunchuck-master hooligans?
I have been hearing about other areas where violence and carnage are especially high. I think these incidents are linked. Once I am able to travel, I will bring you more hard-hitting investigative reporting. This is Chuck Numley, signing off.///
End Transmission
I think I speak for all of us here at Martial Journal and the readers when I say: Be safe Chuck Numley. We’re all pulling for you.
Have you seen nunchuck violence in your life? Have nunchucks ever hurt you? Let us know in the comments below!
- Martial Journal Is Growing and Expanding! - August 21, 2019
- The Grandmaster Movie Review - August 3, 2019
- “Big Brother” Movie Review - July 19, 2019
Leave a Reply