There are countless articles and guidelines for being a good martial arts student as well as being a good instructor. But what do we know about being a good partner?
Many martial arts rely on partner work for not only sparring, but also for practicing self-defense and basic drills. A good or bad partner can either make practice enjoyable and productive or a waste of time and something to dread.
I’ve been in good personal relationships and bad personal relationships, and the same goes for my martial arts experience. I’ve learned a great deal from each one. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve identified five elements essential to being a good martial arts partner.
Trust
Trust is paramount to any relationship, whether it is with a coworker, a romantic partner, or a martial arts partner. We must trust them to keep us safe while we practice what is at times a very dangerous sport. We must trust them to be respectful and courteous. We must trust them to do the movements as accurately as possible and to help us do the same. In turn, we need to make sure our partners can trust us with their safety and best interests. Along with trust comes humility in sometimes being the one who learns from the other person. I’ve been rewatching Game of Thrones on HBO. In an early episode of season two, the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch tells an overly eager young Jon Snow, “You want to learn how to lead? Then learn how to follow.” Trust requires being able to do both.
Respected Boundaries
Along with trust is respecting each other’s boundaries, whether they are physical or emotional. We don’t ask more from our partners than they can give, and we don’t give them more than they can handle. My (life) partner and I are sensitive to each other’s emotional boundaries and know we can speak up if one has been crossed. We also know we can express when we are stressed or worried or are going through a difficult time without judgement.
In martial arts, we need to be open-minded about our partners’ boundaries. Sometimes this comes from trial and error. For example, if working in close proximity feels awkward, you may want to preface a movement by asking if it’s okay to touch them or move them a certain way. As a person recovering from a major injury, I’m thankful my coach is following my lead on what I physically can and can’t do right now, and I’m sure she’s thankful that I’m vocal about any discomfort or pain.
Shared Goals
If you’ve decided to build a life with someone, or at least spend time with someone you like, it helps to have shared goals. You don’t have to be in lockstep with your partner with only shared interests, but it certainly helps to agree on how you move through life to the best of your abilities. Life is more fun that way. It’s the same with martial arts, even if you are trying to kick that person in the head. You’re both there to learn and practice your martial art, and to improve. Learn from each other. Offer tips and encouragement. Celebrate your milestones together. When you get frustrated, remind yourself and your partner of the ultimate goal.
Positivity and Productive Feedback
As in personal relationships, keep these three simple rules in mind: Don’t be arrogant; don’t be bossy; and don’t only focus on the negative. Feedback and constructive criticism are important in practicing a martial art. However, if you’re only telling a person what they’re doing wrong without helpful direction, they’re going to get discouraged. It’s not conducive to learning and positive behavior change. If you have a reputation for being negative, you may find yourself as the last pick during partner drills.
Good Chemistry
One of my exes and I seemed to loathe each other more than like each other for much of our relationship. I have no idea why we stayed together for as long as we did other than low self-esteem and co-dependency. Suffice it to say, our relationship was not very fun or productive, and it lacked the aforementioned trust, boundaries, shared goals, and was completely bereft of positivity.
Most of my martial arts partnering experiences have been good, so it’s painful when there’s not good chemistry. I’ve never experienced anything as extreme as that awful personal relationship, but an awkward partnership can make an hour-long class feel like months. It’s not that you need to (or should) carry on a lengthy conversation during class, but it’s nice to have a pleasant rapport. Chemistry also includes being able to improvise together and pick up on physical cues. Working with a person you don’t jive with physically or personally feels forced. If you’re stuck with that same awkward partner often, you may need to try to get to know them better. A great way to do that is learning from them. Ask them for advice on a particular movement. Watch what they do well and emulate them.
And if they’re just a downright unpleasant, negative jerk, maybe that’s a good time to practice your headshots, takedowns, or joint locks.
Happy Valentine’s Day, and may you all have successful martial arts partnerships!
Melanie has worked in the healthcare industry since 2004 and lives in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex.
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Great article! I especially connect with the part about trusting our partners to do the movements as accurately as possible. While most of my partner work has fortunately been positive and productive, there have been times when my partner decides they want to try out a different move on me, or one they think is better than what the instructor is teaching. This is not only frustrating, but can lead to injury. Thanks for reminding me of the need to practice and communicate these 5 basic elements of a good martial arts partnership.